Heartbroken

I have been suffering from the consequence of my wrong choices. I have committed myself to a relationship just this summer. No one expected that I would be in a relationship with that guy – not even our classmates. They were shocked! My parents do not know, even now, for I know that they would disapprove of it.

It’s not that the guy is evil or what. It’s just that, maybe, I guess, it was not yet the right time? Well, I mean, we are studying. This is NOT our priority. We have different views, and we would not seem to be compatible.

Well, even so. I did. I tried to have him. No prayers. No advices. Just me and my heart. I followed what I feel is right. It felt so right to be with him – to give myself to him. Emotionally, things were good at first. But I really felt that I was unwelcome in his presence. 

I fell for him. I fell for all the sweet things he did – how he whispers, “I love you” in unexpected situations, gives me gifts, gives me special attention, caresses me, cares for me, etc. I even reasoned out that he was my classmate and friend for 4 years. He would not dare deceive me. But I was wrong.

Maybe he was not really ready, maybe our relationship went to fast from being friends to lovers, maybe… maybe…  I could not find the reasons. I want to look back. Look for clues, search why these have happened. I want to make things clear in my mind. I want to know why and how things went this way. I keep on looking back, hoping that somehow, I would relieve the stress in my heart and mind right now. 

But I could not find answers.

All I could do is speculate, develop and interpret reasons of my own. I could not turn time back and get back all the actions I did. This is already here. I am heartbroken.