How Would You Make Love Go Away?

Urggghhhh!

A simple, “Hi!” or smile – that I cannot do right now to him.

I have to ignore him, because I have requested for this. I did the request hoping that denying him for times will make me feel better.

Well, it actually did. I forced myself to forget him. I tried every means to forget him. I want to deny the things that happened and the things that are happening to me. I want to go back the way it used to be – before I loved him….

I hope he understands why I made such a request. It may seem selfish I know. But how could I forget someone that I constantly remember, someone that I really care for? Tell me how!!! I want to know. I want to do exactly just that.

People ask me why we broke up. I do not want to give a concrete answer for I may be biased. But I really want to tell them that I felt that he did not love much or he did not love at all. I guess it was all because of the friendship that we had. He respected the times we shared before we became lovers. Maybe it was all because of politeness.

He said he doesn’t want to hurt another girl anymore. He was the one who broke up with his last girlfriend. And he saw how painful it was for the girl. Despite this fact, and despite the risk of having a guy like this, I did risk my heart. I know that I am hurting right now because of my own choice. But I am proud to say that I really did and still do love him. He will always remain special to me.

He said he doesn’t want to hurt another girl. But he hurt me and still hurting me. He thought that hurting a girl would be only through breaking up with her. That is why, I think, he allowed me to be the one to break up with him. Our friends told me that he was really about to break up with me 2 days before I broke up with him. He must have thought of his ex-girlfriend. He wanted me to have the final say, so he would not be blamed.

But hell! Does he think he is innocent in this? So was I the only who put all of this upon my head?! Even before we broke up, he was already hurting me… He was hurting me by NOT LOVING me that way that he should. I did not hid this dissatisfaction from him. I wanted to SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. Many times, yes, I did attempt to get out just to relieve myself. But I love him. And I know that he is the only one who could relieve me by LOVING ME. Was that wrong????

I stayed despite this. I was hoping that he would change. I was hoping that I would be loved. But even when we broke up, he did not change. He remained undisturbed. He did not look for me.

That was the moment that I realized that I cannot change him. That he has his own mind. That most probably,  I was of no value. I did not impact his life. His life remained and continued as it is. He is still the same man before and after I was gone. I did not impact his life….

Now, he is still my classmate. I see him every day even though I try not to see him. I do not want to be aware of his presence. But I guess, I would not heal properly by denying him. I must heal with these bleeding and scars.