Today is Different - Imperfect

It was our first day of school today :) I was really excited of what's ahead.

I was excited also, since our first subject was "Kursong Rizal" in which we are encouraged to speak our thoughts a lot.

I wanted to recite, since I really want to talk and we are given extra points that would be the basis for our exemption in the midterm examination. But I did not get the chance to do so.

But what I remember most from today is what I call "Imperfections".
I really do feel imperfect today.

In a world where looks matters and you have to give self-service in order to advertise yourself, here I am. I feel so imperfect.

And the person who made me feel that the whole day was the one I could not get away with for the meantime - my thesis partner. I guess these feelings all comes from the tensions we had and so on. Honestly, I can't identify the source. All I know is that I cannot control what she has to do or say. All I can control is how I think and feel. And I feel like this.

Although the issues that "we" had this day were just minor... I think. But they really made impacts in me. And I feel worse around her.

I do admit we complement each other in our work and so on, but there is a stain in me that clouds my perspective of her.

She has this attitude of being grumpy. And I guess I am such a people-pleaser that I take her actions to heart - I feel that I am responsible or I have to be responsible for what she feels. I feel that I have to do all that she wants to just get over and maintain our relationship without any hard feelings.... Well, not all the time cause you see, I have this today :(

I guess not all people could be like me, not all people could be gentle all the time, especially in the height of a thesis conduction. She easily gets irritated but not all the time. Actually she is inconsistent for me. I cannot know what to do to make her pleased every time. One time it is okay with her, on the other time it's not. I really can't get it!

And what's worse is that I am actually thinking of "pleasing" her. People are really hard to please. And if we follow that pattern in our lives, we cannot go anywhere else. People will always have something to say - sometimes negative, good if they are positive.

So I guess we should not really care much or be controlled of what they want. Yeah there will be hard feelings especially if you know that the other person does not want what you do, but we cannot be controlled by them forever.

I know there are times that we have to be sensitive and consider other's feelings. But in my case, I have to balance.And it is really hard to know when should I consider my feelings and hers.

I am hurt this day. I have also allowed myself to be hurt.
I feel so imperfect.
And this is pride.
God, help me to learn humility. I cannot be always right.
But it sucks when you feel all wrong. It really sucks
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Pls. don't get me wrong.
I am thankful for the being of my partner... but I do admit that not always.
But I guess that is part of the "human" package, not anyone is perfect.