NOT Doing What You Know You CAN Do :( :D

Have you ever felt the staggering feeling of not doing the thing that you want to do?

You know you can do it. Plus you WANT to do it, you do not want to do it at the same time.... because you know that you have the WRONG MOTIVE in doing it.

I felt just that a while ago.

It really felt so bad. :(

It was a STRUGGLE!

My classmate were practicing for a song number in our classroom. Our class is invited to prepare performances for an organization event.

Nothing's really wrong with that... EXCEPT that they were practicing in front of me!

Those chosen to sing were chosen, because they have already proven themselves of being able to do so properly.

While I was watching them sing, I was thinking that I could be one of them.. REALLY... BUT I AM NOT.

I really wanted to be part of that group. I also want to sing.

I am not saying that I am the best that's why I should be in, but I know I can. Maybe not as good as them, but I REALLY WANTED to :(

But I am not.

I was already given chances to sing. But because I am not used to singing in front, I get nervous. Therefore, I do not perform well unlike when I do it off the stage.

I know I can perform. But when I am already in the situation, I can't do the quality I do off stage.

I was already given many chances at church and at school. But I guess my performances are not so convincing that is why I am never part of a singing group for those two.

This IS my frustration. I have the desire to sing, but I NEED THE OPPORTUNITIES.

And I was thinking...

Among all the opportunities that have passed, why am I still here where  I was in my dream of singing/ performing in front of people.... In showcasing my ability...?

One thought just prevail:

I WANT TO SING WITH THE WRONG MOTIVE OF LIFTING MYSELF UP

My focus is ME, MYSELF and I.

I guess God is preventing me from exalting myself too much, exalting myself in an unhealthy way.

Too many times I have been frustrated,, and still now.

God can raise someone UP if He wants to. He could also HUMBLE anyone.

He is in control. I know He knows what He is doing.
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God, please heal me from my jealousies.
Heal me from looking at other people's lives, comparing myself.

You have hardend the Pharaoh's heart during the time of Moses.
You have raised a shepherd boy, King David
You have converted Paul and used him mightily until now
And You are still You.

You are more than enough. Please lead me.